By Barbara Cordoni
When a child is born, it is usually a time of joy for the whole
family. How new parents respond to this new little person is influenced
by many factors. Some of these revolve around how comfortable parents
are in taking care of the child, whether the child was wanted, and
whether the child is welcomed into an intact family.
The personality of the infant as defined by Chess and Thomas is
also a factor. Some are easy, contented babies, others may be fussy.
Tactilely defensive babies, who do not want to be held may cause
the mother to question her mothering abilities. It may seem to her
that her baby is rejecting her. At this point, the nature versus
nurture concept comes into play since different sets of parents
will respond differently to the child's behavior. The differences
in those responses can have significant effects on the ultimate
well being of the child. Children are taught love, respect for others,
what kinds of responses are tolerated, and how to behave in the
first years of life from people who are supposed to love them the
most. These are all givens, and most of us are aware of the possible
consequences of each. Parenting, whether or not there is a disability
present, is the critical component in the life of any child.
When one gives birth or adopts a child with learning disabilities,
the givens do not change, but they become more intensified. No parent
of a child with learning disabilities has forgotten the moment when
they were told their child has a learning disability. It is usually
described as a blow to the stomach. It is usually accompanied by
a period of mourning. Some families respond as if it were the death
of a dream.
In a psychologically healthy family, the mourning period evolves
into an active seeking of answers, but not all families are psychologically
healthy. The results in the child and adolescent can range from
outright depression, anorexia or bulimia to nearly total dependency.
The healthy family accepts the disability as just a small part
of an otherwise terrific kid. They take care to make sure the child
knows that 90% works just fine, but there is a little part that
keeps getting in the way of what the child wants to accomplish.
That does not mean that either parent or child will not experience
repeated pain and lack of understanding. Just last week, a 24-year-old
student of mine experienced discrimination from someone who surely
should know better. The student called home in frustration and the
mother's response was, "It just doesn't stop, does it?"
There is a sadness in that response and the wise clinician will
realize and accept that there is always a degree of sadness present,
even in a well adjusted, functioning, successful person.
During the elementary school years, parents often hear from their
child's teachers that the child has no friends, that the child cannot
get along and is often involved in fights. The child is often clumsy,
gets only a few Valentines, and is chosen last for team sports.
There are few, if any invitations to birthday parties. The child
knows how others feel but neither the child nor the parents know
what to do about it.
The wise family involves the child in activities which have the
potential for success. At early ages it may be scouts, community
resources such as canoeing, drama classes, environmental causes,
ballet, horseback riding, the church or synagogue. Parents need
to keep trying until they find something their child can do well.
People feel safe interacting with those whose beliefs mirror their
own or with those who are also learning a new skill. The activity
is not important, as long as the child becomes more experienced
at a skill than are his or her peers. Parents need to find activities
which set their child apart in positive ways rather than in the
negative ways the child experiences educationally. Enlist the teacher's
aid in bringing to the class your child's knowledge of the skill.
Fathers may prefer a Little League star to some other sport, but
many of our children (with learning disabilities) are terrific at
track or swimming and not proficient at team sports. Maybe they
like to read, work with their hands, or build things. It doesn't
matter what they are good at, as long as we find something. Everyone
needs to feel good about something.
Caregivers need to identify what skills children will need in everyday
life and begin to teach them at an early age. It is only when one
is surprised by something that a person with learning disabilities
does not know that one begins to realize how many things we do not
teach that they need to know. These are simple things that we assume
are learned by watching others as children grow, so we simply do
not think about teaching such things. I thought that I had covered
all the bases until my adult daughter began writing. It was then
I learned she did not know that Room 214 meant that it was room
14 on the second floor, or that when going up or down stairs one
keeps to the right. While academic areas can be most troublesome,
they are not what sets us apart socially.
What sets us apart socially is how we act. Children have to be
taught how to maintain eye contact when someone is speaking and
to wait until another is finished before saying something ourselves.
The importance of a firm handshake, to acknowledge someone who walks
into the room...these are not behaviors we often think to tech,
yet they are critical. The old adage that "most jobs are won
or lost at the drinking fountain" is a true one.
However, most parents have social skills. What makes educators
think that the student will learn social skills in a regular education
class when they haven't learned from their parents? In other words,
class placement is not going to cure social skills problems; a conscious
effort must be made to teach them, by parents if possible or by
a therapist when necessary, and always by a teacher.
A major problem for parents is that we are used to our children
and to their behaviors, so we may ignore behaviors we would not
tolerate in another child. Parents may simply give up because they
don't know what to do to change things. Basically, parents must
learn to react to inappropriate behavior immediately, to tell the
child what was wrong about a given behavior, and to suggest an alternative.
Parents often do not realize that many of our children and adolescents
do not understand facial expressions and body language. I remember
my own son coming into the kitchen when he was 4 years old and asking,
"Mom, are you made at me?" I replied, "No, honey."
When he asked me the second time, I began to wonder if he had done
something I didn't know about. By the fourth time he asked, I was
mad.
In addition, as parents, teachers, or other professions, we go
to great effort to let others know how we are really feeling. If
we had a disagreement with a co-worker, or if we are mad at the
plumber, we may slam things around the kitchen while telling those
around us, that we are just fine. In reality, these are perfect
opportunities to teach facial expressions and tonal variation in
speech. I can't remember the number of times I have had a student
with learning disabilities tell me they didn't know such things
had meaning.
This lack of understanding makes for a very confusing world; it
is a world of measured chaos. With very little faith in our own
perceptions, knowledge, and judgment, they may quickly assume that
someone else is right and that they are wrong. they may become followers
when in reality, it is they who should be leading. Over and over
I have seen people with learning disabilities, even as adults, accept
someone else's idea which has very questionable value, rather than
pursue their own. Their self-esteem is so low that they just assume
they are less likely to be correct. I have heard them express their
unsureness of their own perceptions or ideas and so they may easily
be manipulated by others.
Young adults with learning disabilities tell me that as adolescents
their lives were turbulent. They felt inadequate and very alone.
Some weren't sure where they were in space so they always wore a
jacket, even in summer. It gave them a sense of personal space.
They often tried drugs to escape and to give them acceptance in
a social group. Then they came down, the problems were still there.
Some will have sex with dates in order to gain social standing with
the date and because it is one thing they think they can do well.
Many don't know how to make small talk, let alone hold a conversation.
They feel that they don't fit in, that they are stupid. What got
most teens out of trouble was having someone, such as an older person
with learning disabilities who had similar experiences and could
relate as only one who has been there can do.
They often forget to do their homework, leave it at home, or decide
that they can't do it well and will fail anyway, so why attempt
it. They are occasionally surprised by exams that had been announced
in class. These teenagers know they need structure, consistency,
and organization more than the average adolescent. We can teach
them to use a color-coded appointment book for important dates,
appointments, and assignments.
As parents, we can set aside time to be a family, such as sitting
down at dinner together everyday. We must set rules and stick to
them. We cannot waver from them or show favoritism. As my daughter
reminds me: "don't allow my brother to stay out until midnight
at 16 and expect me to be home by 11 o'clock at the same age. Don't
give me a 10 o'clock curfew and them not let me go out at 9 o'clock.
Parents may need to organize their lives before they can help their
teenage children. Rules apply to adults as well as their children.
Don't expect respect from your children, if you don't respect them.
Parents also have to remember that it is more important to have
an organized life than it is to have an organized room.
Be sure your children are as similar to other children as they
can be. Even if you can afford six pairs of no-name jeans, but only
two popular brand, buy the popular brand. This applies to shoes
also, scrimp on other things. Eat hot dogs and macaroni but be sure
that your teenager looks like everyone else. Be sure your child
gets a driver's license at 16, even if you know that your child
has problems with depth perception or spatial relationships. It
may even be necessary to send your teenager to a driving school
or to find someone outside of the family to be the driving teacher.
Teach teenagers to drive to important places before an actual event.
Practicing the route affords time to pick out landmarks and predict
the time needed to get to a given destination.
Teenagers need to feel successful in some aspects of life. We must
help them to get involved in things they feel good about, such as
Explorer Scouts, spear fishing, rock climbing, rappelling,or dirt
bike racing, even if their choices are things we are fearful of
or dislike. Teach your teenager how to hold a conversation, listen
actively, maintain eye contact, and ask questions. It is important
to tell children when they do something inappropriate. Ignoring
the behavior will not extinguish it.
Parents need to understand that they are the safest people in a
teen's life. They may blow up at their parents and take things out
on their parents because they have difficulty expressing frustration
and rage, but they also trust their parents. Parents also need to
understand that these actions are the keys to independence.
It is important for parents to see their child as a whole person,
not just a person with learning disabilities. Help them to develop
the same behaviors you expect from your other children. Don't raise
children with learning disabilities as handicapped.
Involve your children in decision making. This can be anything
from deciding which pizza toppings to order to choosing a vacation
route. Allow them to make the small decisions so they will be prepared
to make the big decisions in life. These activities help to build
self-esteem and may help with making future career choices.
Never let a disability become an excuse for not trying. Allow your
child to try and even fail at times. That is what life is like.
Teach or find someone to teach your teen how to prepare food, basic
car maintenance, take phone messages, and balance a checkbook. Systematically
teach your child the skills you find necessary for everyday living.
Teach your child the rules of polite behavior, such as a strong
handshake, the importance of eye contact, and to wait until another
has stopped before speaking. It is important to teach good grooming.
Help your teen choose a hair style that is easy to manage. Help
establish a color coordinated wardrobe and then teach the essentials
of caring for the clothes.
Share your own feeling with your children. Telling your children,
"I am angry, I am worried, I am happy" makes them understand
how faces and bodies look when a someone feels a certain way. Help
your child to learn organizational skills. By starting early with
small tasks like sorting the silverware and setting out clothes
for the next day before going to bed will make larger tasks easier
to manage. As your child's organizational skills increase, show
how a calendar can be used for planning. Teach time management so
he/she can learn to determine the amount of time needed to get ready
for school or a date. Help your child develop a weekly schedule.
Times for different activities can be color coded, such as green
= study time; blue = TV, red = school, etc.
Encourage your teen to volunteer at a nursing home, your church
or synagogue or with an environmental group. These are non threatening
activities and help develop self-esteem and good social skills.
Subscribe to age-related magazines that will keep your child updated
on current clothing, movies, music, etc. Many magazines are available
on tape from Recordings for the Blind and Dyslexic.
If your child wants to go to college, start to investigate college
programs during the freshman year in high school. It will take time
and good programs fill early. If your child has chosen a vocation
instead, consider having a career counselor help with some of the
decisions. On-the-job training will work for some programs. Others
may require some post secondary training.
Help your teen to understand his/her disability and put it into
perspective, e.g. "You have a problem with reading, but we
can get books on tape, and you are great with your hands."
The more you accept that learning disabilities are just a small
part of a person, the more the person can accept him/herself.
It is your responsibility to keep yourself informed. The more you
know, the more effectively you can help your child.
Try not to limit your child. Don't use the disability as a reason
for not entering a profession or trying to obtain a job. More and
more opportunities are opening up for persons with learning disabilities.
Keep copies of all school and psychological reports. They may be
needed to get services for your child later.
This article appeared in the Nov/Dec 1996 issue of LDA Newsbriefs
(Volume 38, No.4), the newsletter of the Learning Disabilities Association.
Newsbriefs is published six times a year and is a benefit of LDA
membership.
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